There are several things that healthy families share in common that I will be addressing in this and the next two postings. First and foremost, healthy families stay together. As a culture we must stop treating relationships and people as if they are disposable. But it’s far deeper than just existing together. Parents need to do more than live in the same house with each other and their children. In the example from my first post, the father waited so long to divorce because he wanted to “stick it out for the sake of the kids.” But it was all a façade. No one can live two lives effectively.

The fallout can be devastating. Here’s the gist of a text I received from a client in a broken family environment this morning:
“This morning one of my managers found my son’s office torn apart and his car parked blocking my office door. He left pill bottles and an empty bottle of Wild Turkey in my office.”

This child’s behavior is out of control. I’ve said before that if you do not respect the input of your children and listen to them effectively, they will get your attention in unconventional ways. Now this situation is definitely unconventional and includes some pathological behavior. It all stems from the shattering of the family. What do we do about it now? Well, it’s starting all over and rebuilding relationships.

There are pressing issues in this case that prevent us from doing the deep hard work of changing the family environment. We must first stabilize this kid and get him the help he needs.  Then we can focus on changing family life.

We need to deal with our own baggage that hinders us from having healthy relationships. Then, we need to pour ourselves into our families. We need to spend time with family, talk with family, share our values and vision with family. Rarely do I hear families talking about their philosophy of family life – or that “bigger thing” they are building together. This is healthy family functioning – families that exist “on purpose.” The development of our families is not a casual undertaking. It requires commitment, resolve and intentionality.

Check out my next posting that focuses on Characteristics of Healthy Families...