Conflict is the perceived blocking of important goals, needs, or interests of a person or group of people by another person or group. A person’s response to the conflict and ability/inability to navigate through it will determine whether the conflict is constructive or destructive.

Most of us are trying so desperately to be heard and understood that we don’t shut up long enough to listen and understand. Therefore, communication is hindered by conflict that seems unresolvable. In working with partners/couples/siblings, etc., who are experiencing conflict (they are literally sitting in front of me yelling at one another), I often interrupt them and ask them what they would do if I left the room and sucked out all of the oxygen with me when I left, and locked all the doors and windows from the outside. The response is usually a progression of reactions that goes something like, “well, I’d try to open the doors and windows; then I’d yell for help; then I’d start banging on the doors and windows; then I’d pick up a chair and throw it through the window.” In the response is a natural progression of more and more extreme or aggressive behaviors in an effort to get their physical need for oxygen met.

In communication, we have emotional needs. Everyone has a need to be listened to, heard, and validated. With conflict, these emotional needs aren’t being met, so the conflict tends to escalate to more and more extreme or aggressive behaviors in an effort to get our emotional needs met. When we understand this dynamic, we can make the decision to shut up and listen and seek first to understand. And remember this . . . you don’t understand another person until that person agrees that you understand. I hear many people use the phrase “I understand” as a segway into arguing their side of the point. No, you don’t understand me until I tell you that you do. In other words, you have responded to me in such a way that makes me say, “Yeah, you got it. You understand.” Only then are you in a position to move forward with your side of the story. Imagine communication if everyone was seeking to understand the other party rather than seeking to be understood!

We have to listen for the emotional needs, the meaning behind the words, or look beyond the content to the emotion that’s fueling the content. Most people easily get stuck in to a pattern of fact based arguments, in which they are disagreeing over what the facts are. The facts, in most conflict situations, are irrelevant. It’s the underlying unmet emotional needs that are important. Generally, needs fall into a few categories:

• Security needs – physical or emotional security
• Recognition needs – need to have your viewpoint understood and acknowledged as valid
• Control needs – a need to have ownership in the process or some say so in the matter
• Dignity needs – a need to save face
• Accomplishment needs – a need to achieve something.

When these emotional needs that are fueling the content of the conflict are understood, you are in a position to move on to problem solving for more effective ways of meeting the need identified.

To read my next blog titled "Conflict Management-Problem Solving," click here.